I’ve been an adult since I was 11yrs old, that’s what my mother always says. I think I was an artist even earlier than that. My parents tell stories about me being 5 yrs old and telling their friends my mother and I were leaving daddy and moving to New York. The story not only had no basis in reality, but was complete with a full dialogue and backs story made up to suit the audience. I always liked to entertain, and I found I had no musical ability, couldn’t draw a stick figure, or move my feet when I danced I figured I must be an artistic talker. There is an art to talking, to communicating, and to making people want to listen to you. There have been many people through the ages who were “good talkers” from President Obama, JFK, MLK Jr, Dean Martin, Jon Stewart, and Oprah Winfrey to name a few. They made themselves famous talking and getting people to want to listen to them. There are plenty of talkers who are not famous for their mouths, but for what their mouths get them into or out of… President Clinton, Nixon, Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, all said something that either got them into trouble or got them out of it. The key to talking is simple, know your audience. If you only want to get their attention, you just have to say what they want to hear or even the opposite and you will have your audience.
I have bragged my whole life about my ability to talk my way into or out of something. It is a gift. I can ace an interview, get a teacher to let me turn in papers late or re-take tests that “can’t” be made-up, even managed to get out of a few hundred dollars worth of overdue parking tickets once. I can help a friend save or start a relationship, and can plant the seeds that will destroy one. It’s funny how words, something we never think about except for when we have to hit a certain limit, like Twitter’s 150 character max or that 4500 word essay on Shakespeare, have such power over our entire perception. Words are one of the most powerful tools in a person’s arsenal. And when you know how to use them and know your audience you can persuade them to do anything. I have gotten so good at this I have tricked myself into doing some of the most stupid things I would make fun of other people about for the rest of their lives. I have talked myself into my current problem, men. I have convinced myself that I am just as good as any man and that therefore I can act like one. I can meet a guy, like him, sleep with him, and be totally cool about it the next day… oh wait I am a woman. No, we as women cannot be men. That’s why we’re made with different parts, so that even when we convince ourselves with words we are the same our eyes can tell us the simple truth, we are different. Women may be able to occasionally have sex with a random guy and enjoy it for what it is, but there is always a little voice in the back of our heads saying something no man’s head does. After a one night stand, a man knows it was a one night stand. After a one night stand a woman thinks. Here is the problem, women THINK! We think, “Maybe he will want to do that again.” Or “Maybe he will ask me out now.” Or “Maybe now he will realize I am the one he has been looking for his whole life and we can get married and have a nice two story house and a dog….” And guess what? NONE OF THAT HAPPENS! Women can talk ourselves into frenzy over something we knew ahead of time was nothing but what it was. We can turn a simple, “You look really nice tonight.” Into “I have always wanted to date you.” Or a “Is that guy bothering you?” into an “I want to protect you and be your only man.” It is amazing how we can convince ourselves of the same things we profess to our girlfriends are silly, naïve, pipe dreams.
If women could look at life the way men do we would probably be healthier emotionally, and also bored to tears. What would we do with all our time if we took the things men say and do as the way they are meant? Men are not confusing creatures, it’s all right there if you take the rose tinted glasses off and look. They do not hide most things, and even when they try they are bad at it since women are, when we want to be, incredibly more observant to the nuances of body language and the use of words. Men on the other hand are constantly confused by women because we don’t say what we mean. We shade our statements with innuendos and half truths to shield ourselves from judgment, rejection, being a “bitch”, “Whore”, “drama queen”, etc. Men say exactly what they mean, even when they think they are pulling a fast one. How many times have you listened to a guy talking to some girl and thought, “Whoa, is she actually falling for that?”? She is and not because she is stupid or naïve, but because she chooses to hear the thing that she wants or needs to hear. It’s all in the words for us women, and if he isn’t saying the right ones we will “translate” what he says in our mind until it fits what we wanted him to say in the first place.
I wish I could now invoke some kind of anciently powerful ritualistic phrase to banish this kind of behavior from all of us educated, intelligent, and otherwise successful women, but there is none. The battle cries of the 70’s feminism movements do not apply. This is not men keeping us down, this is the one injustice we bludgeon ourselves and each other with. My new goal is that from now on when a man says something or does something I am going to do what he would do, take it at face value. See exactly what he is saying, where and in what position he is in while saying it, and his motivation for saying it. If you can put this together even a professional liar will not get past your reality-detector. And if you know, as we often do, he is not what he says he is or will not be what he is pretending he will than we can only blame ourselves for the bad choices we make. I will be using these words from now on to keep myself honest….
1. What words did he actually use?
Women often do the “instant replay” of a conversation and make it more flowery and poetic so that it will play better as a story to their friends or a dreamy bit from a romantic movie. As much as we always say Porn is unrealistic… so are romantic movies, get over it! Pretty Woman was not based on a true story, nor was Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Zack and Mary Make a Porno…
2. What did I do to get that response?
We often set men up so they know exactly what to say or do to get the reaction they want. Women clue men in through body language, innuendo, and out and out saying it. Saying, “I wish men were more chivalrous.” And then being pleasantly surprised he opens a door for you… c’mon girls! Men are not stupid, they do listen when it is important, and they will do what it takes to get to their goals!
3. What does he have to gain from that response? What does he have to lose from a more realistic and simple response?
This seems so unfair to question his motives… until you realize you have your own. The entire world system is a reward based system, from government, working, religion, school, and families. We do what we have to do to get the end result we want. Example: You want the girls at your job to think you are super thoughtful so you bake a cake for each person’s birthday, even the ones you don’t like. Men will also say what they think will get them closest to the outcome they want. This is not saying all men are liars, a man may just change his phrasing on the answer to a question so it is more pleasing. Example: She asks, “So why is a great guy like you still single?” He says, “I guess I have not found the right woman yet.” Real answer possibilities: “I like living by myself and not being nagged.” “I enjoy frequent random sex without commitment.” “I have, and you are not her. She left me for my brother, friend, boss, etc” Any of these honest, and albeit extreme, answers would have bought this guy a one way ticket to sleeping alone. Again men are not stupid.
4. Do I actually believe him or am I deluding the evidence in my possession?
Really, it’s not about being a cynic. It’s about the built in honesty detector we all have. Look at the situation as if it was your best girl friend instead of you. What would you tell her he was saying? And if you are the “nice” friend who never tells your girl the upsetting truths, what would you be thinking about this?
5. What do I wish he was saying? Is that exactly what I am hearing?
When you are honest with yourself about what you want for him to be saying and you can compare that to what you are actually hearing you will be able to better handle any situation and less likely to "rose tint" it. If you like this guys a whole lot and he says, “This was fun.” He does not mean you should call him tomorrow to schedule a redo. If he wants to do it again guess what, he will move heaven and earth to get your number, track you down, and schedule it himself!
This is just a little something I have been compiling for a few of my girlfriends who have been confused, used, or abused by what they convinced themselves they had with a guy, only to watch it disappear. Oh and yes I have made everyone of these mistakes hundreds of times, a few in the past week while writing this! Be kind to yourselves by being honest with yourself. It may sting at first but it will hurt a lot less in the long run, like a shot of vaccine compared to full blown polio!
